You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...

They have a separate circuit breaker for their rice cooker.

Only NOW they know that cilantro is the same as Chinese parsley.

They measure the water for the rice by the knuckle of their index finger.

They know which market sells poi on which days.

They know that Char Sung Hut is closed on Tuesday.

They can handle shoyu with green mango, li hing mui gummy bears, raw egg on hot rice, and pearl tea (carnation milk in hot water with sugar) with creme crackers.

Their refrigerator has half-empty jar of mango chutney from the 1978 AHS Carnival.

The condiments at the table are shoyu, ketchup, chili peppah watah, and kimchee. Also, takuwan, Hawaiian salt, slice onion, and pickle onion.

They go to neighbor islands and their luggage home includes potato chips, manju, cream puffs, and guri guri for omiyage.

They think the four food groups are starch (rice), Spam, fried food, and fruit punch.

A balanced meal has three starches: rice, macaroni, and bread.

They know 101 ways to fix their rubber slippers -- 50 using tape, 50 using glue, and one using a stick to poke the strap back in.

They sometimes use their open car door for a dressing room.

They wear two different color slippers together and they don't mind.

Nice clothes means a T-shirt without puka.

They are barefoot in most of their elementary school pictures.

They have a slipper tan.

They drive barefoot.

They have at least five Hawaiian bracelets.

They never ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt that matches their wife's muumuu.

They still call the Blaisedell Center the HIC and it's Sandy's, not Sandy Beach.

They say "I going go for lawnmower da grass" when they mean "I'm going to mow the lawn."

They can understand every word Bu Lai'a says and they know what his name means.

They have a sister, cousin, auntie, or mom named "Honey Girl" or.....

Someone in the family named Boy, Tita, Bruddah, Sonny, Bachan, Taitai, Bozo, or Vovo.

They still chant "Hanaokolele" when a friend or co-worker goofs up.

They say "Shtraight," "Shtreet," and "Shtress."

They say "Da Kine" and the other person says "Da Kine" and they both know what is "Da Kine."

The "Shaka" and the "Stink Eye" are worth a thousand words.

They feel guilty leaving a get-together without helping clean up.

The idea of taking something from a heiau is unthinkable.

They call everyone older than themselves "Aunty" or "Uncle" and they kiss everyone in greeting and farewell.

They let other cars ahead of them on the freeway and they give shaka to everyone who lets them in. (And get mad if someone they let in doesn't say thanks.)

Their philosophy is "Bumbai."

They would rather drag out the compressor and fill that leaking tire every single morning than have it fixed.

The only time they honk their horn is once a year during the safety check.

If a child needs a home, they give him one. She/He becomes "Hanai." 

Their male best friend's name is either Wade, Max, Nathan, or Melvin.

Owns two types of slippers: da "good slippas" and da "buss-up/stay home slippas."

Does not understand the concept of North, South, East, and West, but instead gives directions as Mauka, Makai, Diamond Head, Ewa, and uses landmarks instead of street names.

The first thing they look for in the Sunday paper is the Long's ad.

They take off their slippahs before going into the house.

You ask what year they grad and where they grad from, and then you say "eh you know so and so..." 

An uncle drunk on his lips still manages to sing "Blue Darling" a dozen different times.

The guys bring more beer than they can carry 

The Ambulance and the Bradahs  

There was an ambulance with its siren on that was rushing to the hospital that passed by a tenement. After they passed the tenement, they saw this bradah's running quickly to the ambulance. The drivers were questioned by his presence behind them so they stopped the ambulance and asked the Bradah's what was his problem. Breathing hard he catches  up to the ambulance and asked ,"Eh, U still get vanilla?"

Cars In Heaven
 "Doc, I had one terrible dream last night," said Kimo to his Psychiatrist. "I wen dream dat I wen die and wen go to see da braddah in heaven, and he told me dat if I'd never cheated on my wife I could drive a luxury car around heaven forever! But he said if I wen cheat on her one time, I had to drive one mid-size car forever, and if I wen cheat on her twice, I had to drive a compact car, and if I wen cheat on her tree times, I had to drive one sub-compact, and if I'd cheated ..."

"Wait brah! You've never cheated on your wife at all, have you Kimo?"

"No, and that's what I told da braddah up dea, Doc. So he gave me dis big luxury car with all the extras, and off I drove."

"What's so bad about that? Sound like one good dream to me."

"Well, I was driving along in dat thing, and came across my wife...

She was riding one bicycle with two flat tires."

EhBrahnics (Ebonics)
 
You’ve heard of Ebonics...check out pidgin’s version:

I’m Hooked on EhBrahnics.

It’s the easy and quick way to converse. EhBrahnics! See for yourself how easy it is!

Before:
Hello. I’ve been meaning to ask you exactly how old you actually are.

After:
Howzit.  What year you grad?

Before:
Pardon me. Your actions make me seriously doubt your manhood.

After:
Wot. Panty?

Before:
That is an excellent idea. I am in full concurrence with your plan. let us do the deal.

After:
Shoots!

Before:
Excuse me, you seem to be blocking my path of travel.  Would you mind stepping to the side please?

After:
Try move.

Before:
Please officer, I give you my word that I will no longer travel in excess of the speed limit. I beg you not to write that ticket.

After:
Eh, you know my uncle?


    Andy Bumatai
  (at the na hoku awards)

My names Andy Bumatai, and I'm Filipino & Hawaiian. Which means "I love landscaping, but I no more da land."

Tourist Eye-Opener
Late one Saturday night, this tourist guy and his girlfriend pulled off the highway and parked in a cane field so they could be alone.Just as the guy shut off his engine, several Bradahs jumped out of the sugar cane and began hitting his car with baseball bats. The tourist guy and his girlfriend held each other and cowered with fear! After the Bradahs beat the car for several minutes, one of them shattered the windshield with his bat."What do you guys want?," shouted the terrified tourist.The Bradah looked through the broken window and said "Like buy kulolo?"

Murphy's Law - Hawaiian Style

  There will be a minimum of 5 different types of chicken at a potluck.  

The chance of being able to divide a manapua evenly in half depends upon how much you want to share it. 

The syrup in your shave ice will always run out before the ice. 

Never insult a person who is bigger than you or named Tufi. 

Rugby is the Samoan form of therapy. 

Never talk to haoles in pidgin, they may try to answer back. 

When all else fails, say you're a tourist. 

A luau is when pig is served and made of oneself. 

In Hawaii the extended family could include half the islands. 

The best waves for surfing will always break while you're working.

The poi dog you got free from a friend will always be smarter and cuter at their house. 

If you think you've got it bad, try being a tourist stranded at Nankuli Beach Park. 

There is always one more cockroach. 

Be wary of a Bradah who says he lives in Kahala but got a District Exception to Farrington. 

The ume will always be in the last corner of the musubi. 

The Kim Chee you ate three days ago will always resurface while you're in church.

Just when you think you've met the girl of your dreams, her five older brothers tell you otherwise. 

The guy you're crazy about will always ask you out on a night you have to go to a family gathering. 

If you buy a new dress for a party, the chances are that someone else at the party was also shopping at Ross's. 

If an invitation says dinner at 6 PM (Hawaiian Time) you can safely assume they mean 7:30 PM. 

When in doubt talk pidgin, when in trouble talk Hawaiian. 

The chance of you losing the top of your shave ice is directly proportional to how long the line was. 

On the day you start your diet, someone will bring a bag of malasadas to the office. 

The page you need in the public telephone booth will always be missing. 

The prerequisites for the Honolulu Police Department are a 4-year varsity letter, a Portuguese last name and healed acne scars. 

The guy you'd least like to dance with will always approach you when a slow song is playing. 

You know it's time to leave the club when the best looking men are the bouncers and the best looking women are the waitresses. 

Whoever invented saimin must have also invented SPAM. 

If at first you don't succeed, quit before you "make A

Pass Me...

There were three guys dining with their wives, a Chinese, a Portuguese and a Bradahs. During dinner the Chinese said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Sugar."

Proudly she did while the other wives looked enviously. Later, the Portuguese said to his wife, "Pass the honey, Honey." She too was proud of the gesture.

Trying to out do the other men, the Bradahs thought for a moment and suddenly looked to his wife and said, "Pass the Kalua, Pig."








Pearly Gates
 
One day Kimo comes home from work all distressed and worried. Kimo tells his mother that he is worried about getting into heaven. Therefore, Kimo tells his mom " Ma if I should ever pass away before you, please bury 2 Akule on my grave." Kimo's mom says: "Kimo, no talk like that! Besides why would you want me to bury 2 Akule on your grave?" Kimo replies: "The fish is an offering to god so I am in good faith with him." Kimo's mom says: "Okay Kimo I will carry out your wish."

The next day as Kimo was going to work he was blind-sided by a drunk driver and was killed instantly. Soon after that at the funeral Kimo's mother carried out his last wish and buried two Akule on his grave. As Kimo ascended into the heavens he reached the pearly gates and St. Peter was there to greet him. So Kimo holds out his two Akule and tells St. Peter that this is his offering, please let me into heaven. St. Peter looks at Kimo and says: It's not that easy Kimo, you have to sacrifice to get in. I'm going to have to ask you turn around bend over and I have to shove the 2 Akule in you're okole!" Kimo thinks and says:" Okay whatever it takes to get in to heaven" As St. Peter pushes the first Akule in, he hears Kimo start to giggle, "hee-hee-hee." St. Peter thinks it's a little odd and starts to push the second Akule in Kimo's okole and hears Kimo start to laugh. St. Peter asks:" Hey Kimo how come you laughing? You supposed to be sacrificing and in discomfort." Kimo says:" I was just thinking about my friend Manny, he was with me when we died. His mother buried him with three samoan crabs!"

Da Acrobat

A haole woman was taking a walk one day when she happened upon two Bradahs. One of them was digging a ditch with a shovel and the other was doing all kinds of magnificent acrobatic back flips and somersaults.

The woman walked up to the man who was digging and said "Your friend is very talented! Do you think he might agree to perform next Saturday at our church bazaar for charity?"

The man said "I'll ask him."

Turning to the other man, he yelled "Waltah! The lady like know if you could stand one more crack in the alas with the shovel!"


Escape convicts

One day three men (kimo, bobo & ulu) from Oahu State Prison was planning an escape. They dug a deep hole under the fence and made their escape. The guards were chasing them down fiercely. The three men ran for cover and each climbed up three seperate mango trees. The guards stopped at the first tree looking around. Kimo was nervous and scared. He thought quickly and made the sound of a bird chirping. The guards soon thought that a bird was making the sound. The guards moved on and stopped at the second tree. This time it was bobo. Quickly thinking of how kimo outsmarted the guards, bobo started to hoot like an owl. Thinking it was an owl the guards moved on and went to the third tree. This time it was ulu's turn. He thought he had it made. He knew that kimo & bobo outsmarted the prison guards and he too had a plan. Carefully, he said,"Mooooo." Startled, the guards looked up into the tree and  arrested him.

Portuguese Sausage for Lunch

Moke, Tama, & Manny were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20^th floor of a Waikiki building. One day as they were eating lunch,  Moke said, "Fish and Poi! If I get Fish and poi one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building." Tama opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Corned beef & bread fruit again, one more time I’m going to jump off, too." Manny opened his lunch and said, "portuguese sausage and rice again. If I get a Portuguese sausage and rice one more time I’m jumping off also!"

Next day Moke opens his lunchbox, sees the fish and poi and jumps to this death. Tama opens his lunch, sees corned beef & bread fruit and jumps too. Manny opens his lunch, sees the portuguese sausage and rice and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, Moke's wife is weeping. She says, "If I’d known how really tired he was of fish and poi I never would have given it to him again!" Tama's wife also wept and says, "I could have given him green bananas & raw fish!" I didn’t realize he hated his lunch so much." Everyone turned and stared at Manny's wife. "Hey, no look at me" she said. "Da bugga makes his own lunch!" 

Samoan In A Bar

There was a Samoan man, a English man and a Maori man having a few beers in a Bar when this pretty chick walks in.

"if any of you guys can put liver and cheese in a sentence, i'll be yours forever".

So the Maori man quickly say "I hate liver and cheese"
The chick says "sorry any one can say that"

Then the English man says "i love liver and cheese"
the chick says "any one can say that as well"

Then the Samoan man says "hey you fella's liver alone, cheese mine"

Witness to a Fight
 
My husband came home from work and told me he witnessed a fight between a Filipino man and a Black man (no offense meant). A cop showed up trying to figure out what was happening. The Black man said, "He called me a bastard". The Filipino man said "I didn't". So then the cop asked the Filipino man what happened and he said, "Dat man ass me where is Longs Drugs and all I told him was "You one blok bast-it"

 

Wrong One
 
There once was a construction worker who worked on the 20th floor. There was a crane lifting up a pile of metal bars, when suddenly, the thing fell and it hit the guy in the ear and his ear fell off. Then, the guy was screaming, "MY EAR, MY EAR!" Then his friend said, "Ay, braddah this your ear?" and the guy lift up the ear and said, "No, my ear had da pencil in um."

What causes people to have arthritis?

A Bradah who smelled like a distillery flopped on "TheBus" seat next to a priest. The man's aloha shirt was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of mad-dog 
20-20 was sticking out of his back pocket shorts. He opened the star bulletin and began reading. After a few minutes, the bradah's turned to the priest and asked, "eh, fadah, wot causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked tita's, too much drinking and a contempt for your fellow man."

"nah, for real?!!" the bradah muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry brah. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it fada. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Doing this great deed

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

Peter asked if he lived a religious  life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter shook his head.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of K-Mart and found her surrounded by a dozen Samoans. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest Samoan and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh.....about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Using nails on a house

Manny & Waltah was building one house. Waltah was putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally Manny comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Brah, those nails stay pointing on da wrong end." Then Manny got mad and yelled, "you lolo, those are for da atta side of the house!"

What should they say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!" 

 

 

 

Strict screening.. 

     A young bradah dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line behind Jack Lord, and Bradah IZ at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. 
     The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and hardened criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. 
      
      Jack Lord says, "I was an actor for Hawaii-5-0, and I earned over 25 million  
      last year." 

      The angel says, "Okay, McGarette you may enter." 

      He turns to IZ  and asks him about his life.

     He states, "I wen earn over 20 million jamming hawaiian music & still making  
     millions as I stand here before you." 

     The angel smiles and say's, "oh please enter." 
      
     He turns to the bradah and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

     The bradah replies, "well I earned 4,000 last year ..."

    "Oh," the angel interrupts. "which halau did you teach for?"


Can you give me a push?

A couple was awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk local bradah was standing in the pouring rain. 

     "Can you (hiccup) give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door
       frame.